That's Why!

I Could Have Never Guessed

2009-11-22T08:37:00.000-08:00

Well here we are t-minus a little less than a month till I am on the Island. Everything so far has gone well, plane tickets are bought and paid for my dental assisting renewal is paid for. And somehow financially I have been able to budget it all quite well so I am patting myself on the back.

Things with Graham are going fantastic. I actually named him on this. I know! And not even with an alias. The guy is wonderful and more than I could have ever hoped to find in someone else. Constantly he tells me how wonderful I am and how happy and excited he is to be my boyfriend. I cannot help but to reciprocate. I have never been in a relationship that shows potential, that doesn't have a fixed end point in my head. Everyday I love him a little bit more. He is good and does the things he should in life, something that shouldn't be that rare to find, but is. I can't wipe the smile off my face when I am with him, and when I am not with him I confess I take any opportunity to talk about him. Yes I am one of those girls, bare with me. Looking back these moments I spend with him are worth all the heartache and turmoil that it took to get here. To get to him. And as I think on it now if not Graham who would I want? And I can't supply an answer :)

His Mom and I are now official FB friends which means that it is legit :) Actually she did pop up on the chat and was so sweet and made me feel less nervous about coming to spend 2 weeks with their family. I can't help but already love her a little bit for doing that and saying such sweet things and being so accommodating. I hope to make a good impression I know I am a little bit of a crazy one but hopefully they find it somewhat endearing.

So here is to less than a month and cross your fingers that I get everything in order before I leave. Till next time my peeps.

Falling Is Like This

2009-10-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well.

So believe it or not, somehow I ended up in a relationship. Who saw that coming? Ok none of you.. don't lie.

Common ground kid, though I wasn't certain at first, was worth the broken heart and the broken car. It is now constituting my longest relationship ever, and we are going on a month and a half here folks. He is fantastic and the more I spend time with him the fonder I grow of him. So much so that I in fact am going out to Vancouver Island this Christmas to meet his family. And I am pretty sure I am extremely nervous. I have never met anyone's parents before. Well significantly other speaking. And I have 2 weeks to make it or break it with his family. It is like a terrible reality show that FOX would put on for the holidays.

This is the first Christmas that I will spend away from home....not only that it is the first birthday I will spend away from home. To combat all this nervous mumbo jumbo, I am excited. I love the west coast..pretty sure I left a piece of my soul out there in '08. It is this adventure that I can't wait to go on. This whole relationship is just different....in the best way possible. I have never been anywhere close to what I consider normal, but this, this is comfortable. This has warm fuzzy feeling written all over it. This,though movie like at times....is real.

I in fact said I love you for the first time in my entire life to a boyfriend. And despite the initial rocky road this whole thing took, I actually trust him. These may not seem like the most monumental things. But if you know me, is you have heard of the escapades of my life you will realize the legitimacy of this.

So people stay tuned I am in for some sort of adventure!

Chills Run Down My Spine As Our Fingers Entwine

2009-09-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Haha....perma-grin.

Oh peeps it has been a while but...you won't believe it I actually have a less than tragic story to post.

So after the h-core rejection of last post things took a turn for the interesting. It seems that common ground kid wasn't going to fade into that background that easily. In fact as soon as I offered the cold shoulder, the plot took it's twist. Apparently boys want you to not like them. The stops starting getting pulled out. And after a silent longboarding trip, a Lights concert and a Harvey Birdman marathon...things are looking good. I am more then content with his arms around me.

I have this week off of work so I am gonna live the good life, of being a half hobo.There is going to be a lot of sleeping in, caramel apples, shopping, and just all around fantastic times. So let's let the good times roll!

Worn Me Down Like A Road I Did Everything You Told But You Can't Stop Thinking About Her

2009-09-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well let's catch you all up to speed.

Common ground kid....rejected me h-core. Good times! Raise of hands who saw that one coming? Ok probably everyone but you know me, the gluten for punishment. Of course I wasn't possessing a holiday hidden in my name so I lost. Probably for more than that reason but it still stands as being my fave. Ok the jist of the fiasco was, we held hands. Now you know whenever I do that the universe collapses in on itself...so I needing some validation of authenticity because of my tremendous past asked him if he was legit. He said yes...BUT! he was holding out for other girl. And scene. Really I could have told this story before it played out and had him just insert his name in the blank. Like a crapped up mad lib.

Ok keeping up with appearances with this blog that has nothing to hide. I cracked and emailed Topher. On my way out to Fernie the nostalgia overcame me. That first night I dreamt about him and I woke up and when he wasn't there just started crying. Which is an odd thing for me to do...not usually part of my morning routine. I just emailed him some bands to listen to nothing ridiculous. And now there have been a couple back and forth one sentence emails.

Now what are the odds of this? Today I was driving down scenic heading home to Cardston when this car creeps up beside me. I didn't pay much attention to it until a glimmer of red caught my eye and they honked they're horn. BAM there was Topher. I had no idea what to do with myself. I gave this awkward half smile and wave and he had his window rolled down and some cagey friend in the passenger seat. I didn't roll down my window...really what would I have said? This continued for a good three minutes down scenic drive. Then we were approaching a stop light...he spend through I slowed down and it was over. And the tears came. Because for some reason I cry over this crap. I wish I could cry over normal things.

Well here's to hoping welcome week is fantastic. I look forward to placing my 6th name tag from bishops bbq in my journal. Hooray!

Sad Songs Say So Much

2009-08-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

Walk Down Robson
By:Flick

I look down at my feet
And see the scars from walking down Robson Street
With you
The night before
I stood in the middle of that concert floor
With you
I felt so vulnerable and scared
It is something I never vocally shared
With you
You knew though I never said
That night I shared the king sized bed
With you
This is the part of the story I miss
When lips touched in that tragic kiss
With you

With one simple sentence I was on my way home
You were there, but I went alone.
Silence was left, so simple and plain
That’s all that you left me to explain.

It’s been a year but scars reside on my feet
From that beautiful walk down Robson Street.
And I’m still homeward bound in the car.
You’re by my side, but I don’t know where you are.

Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?

2009-07-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hahaha....ha.

Ok so here's the latest scoops.

Topping our list tonight is my recently found kindred spirit. The boy with which the common ground keeps increasing. Ok, so despite my initial efforts I slipped into the friends zone, and he started sharing information with me about a certain girl that had taken his special interest. Yes I just said special interest. He would tell me about things like dates and camping trips they had planned.Anyways...he came up with me when I went to sing at the art show in Calgary. More for her than me...but at this point I had just taken my seat in the F.Z. So I just supported him in what he was pursuing. At the end of the night it looked like someone had shot a puppy in front of the guy. I went up and asked what was with the sad face. He let me know that said girl was going to like Poland or something for 5 months. I smiled inside (not downstairs Eve's Saint Laurent was not mentioned) but suggested he just enjoy the time he did have with her.

But as I saw him afterward and continued to talk and spend time with him I realized that the want for him to put his arm around me...was the secret in the back of my skull. Yesterday, something happened. He came over to watch Old Greg.

You tube it if you don't know what that is and are not easily offended. We watched it on my lap top and he sat rather close to me. Not gonna lie felt really good. Then as we transitioned into Flight of the Conchords, I was brave enough to muster a move. It took me hours. Now mind you this is the most mixed signals....whatever I had ever been apart of in my entire life. He was practically in my lap...then he was two feet away the his legs were on top of mine, then he was like on the arm of the couch. I DUNNO, so me being me I am this is what I think and where I stand in all this and rested my head on his shoulder...nothing too intimidating and easy to maneuver out of if not reciprocated.

But he stayed, actually got a bit closer. He ended up at my house till about 2:30am. I was 17 all over again willing to sacrifice sleep to spend time with a boy I liked. But instead of having a computer class at the college the next day (like I did when I was young)...I had a full day of work at a demanding job. HA! Long day....long day.

And now...have I heard a word from him?Nope. Will I? Not expecting to. And I am, though I would never let anyone see it, kinda bummed about it. And just when you think the universe couldn't through you another kidney punch....remember my internet boyfriend from a few posts back?Broke up with girlfriend, now pursuing my roommate. How? What? Ok well cheers to hiding in my room. I am being polite and sociable. Not gonna lie though...sucks to watch.

Dear Universe,

Please cut me some slack.

Love,
Ash

Every Day it Starts Again...You Cannot Say If You're Happy...You Keep Trying to Be...Try Harder...

2009-07-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt on top of the world. Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend Kara I was able to sing at this sweet little art show in downtown Calgary last night. I loved every minute of the event. It was at this funky venue called the Art Spot right off of 17th Ave. I played my little 15 minute set and the crowd was wonderful. I was there until midnight enjoying the art and music. I haven't felt that content in awhile.

Tonight I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. I attended what I am deeming the WORST YSA dance I have ever been to. The music was horrendous...they did play Let Me Take you there by the Plain White T's. But one good song doesn't make up for 15 terrible ones. I realized that my potential to find something or someone in this town...the odds aren't good. I realized that attending events such at the first one mentioned leave me feeling elated. While attending the other, the majority of the time, leave me feeling terrible. One extreme to the other in a matter of 24 hours.

And I am not sure why tonight was the night, but I emailed Topher and said goodbye. I was waiting for something dramatic, something epic, something climatic. Why? It just has to happen. I just have to follow through. I again was waiting to this point where I felt on top of the world and could accomplish anything and could write and speak that with absolution that I was strong enough. But I realized that moment may never come. I just had to pick a place to start, and why not now?

I know, it's me and I have caved before. But I have to start somewhere. I want to do this...I have wanted to for a long time. I have had some really sobering experiences lately that have strengthened my resolution to actually go through with this. I think I keep waiting for this big life altering event that is going to change my perspectives. But really I just need to snap out of it. It isn't this big one time thing that I have to do. It's something I am gonna be doing everyday for a long time now. I sound like someone who just quit smoking. In reality, he is my sick habit.

I have potential to be a lot more awesome then I have been letting myself be. This weekend has shown me that. Here's to tonight, a step forward.

Dark Little Heaven At The Top Of The Stairs

2009-07-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

So remember the girl who was overly anxious and couldn't sleep. Well last weekend it happened. It was the first time that I have seen Topher in about 9 months.

Though I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. As soon as he was at the door...I realized that the emotion that took precedence was excitement. I have missed him soo much! We went out for sushi at the Lighthouse just like old times and it was excellent. Our night started as it usually does with ridiculous stories and jokes. Of course no one else thinks we are funny besides the two of us. After dinner we just chilled at Henderson Lake again where the light portion of the evening continued.

Then the switch flipped....as it always does....we went to Walmart where the conversation and light mood was replaced with the dark cloud of our past. I really thought I could just outrun it, but as we sat down at Earls for dessert...he was making the face. Now Topher makes this face when he wants to tell me something and of course just won't say it. I had no problem laying my chips out. I had prepared for this night. It took a long freakin nine months....but i figured us out. At least my end of the deal. And I was ok with everything. But because he refuses to speak...I probably will never know the whole situation. Again something I have come to terms with.

He handed me the guitar when we came back to my house....and though I didn't know if I had it is me...he asked me to sing...and I sang "Not You". Which is the song that I wrote on the drive home from Vancouver last year. My voice shook through the words...and hardly ever looked up. As I strummed the last chord...I could tell that he didn't really quite know how to process it. But he hugged me, and called me Ashley as he said goodbye.

We spent Sunday afternoon together and there we are....us. It is this thing that I have tried to make more than it is...this thing that I have tried to pretend is less....this thing that I have tried to ignore and out run. Yet here we are....and really where is that?

And while it's true...All straight things must bend...I only want it to begin...

2009-06-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

Ok so I had a fabulous weekend.

For those of you who know me....you understand my deep love of dancing. Friday night me and my friend Sam planned a dance in a foot tunnel under whoop up drive. We had an exceptional turn out far more than we were expected. Sam said we probably had somewhere around 150...I never really counted I was too busy bustin' a move. I may or may not have worn high tops and sports socks....and I did bust out a little krump near the end. Ahhh dancing...

Saturday night was Performance in the Park...it was so chill...we had probably 30 people and we just played in Galt Gardens. Everyone who sang was amazing and I had such wonderful friends around who just showed up to support me.

Afterwards is where the weekend took a turn for the....better :) Two of my friends showed up after my performance....one of whom I had just met recently. The more I talked with this boy the more I found we were kindred spirits. I loved it. It was nice to hang out with someone who gets your movie references, makes commentary along with you about the firedancers and will call the phone number on the door to no where.

I spent a good portion of today with him as well....and the common ground just increased. There is some interest there...well from me anyways...if my past has proven anything it is I know nothing about guys, especially the good ones. I even tried to make an awkward move tonight and all I ended up with was mixed signals...I am going to call it quazi cuddling. lol Oh how I love being Mormon where this ridiculous situations are common place.

I dunno I just wanted to put it out there that hey I dig ya. Actually I pretty much yelled that we were long lost best friends.There is just this want for him to put his arm around me. Oh barf I am such a girl. But I am an awkward mess when it comes to boys I dunno how to do this whole thing. So here's to me trying to figure out how to not ruin something that shows potential! Wish me luck peeps....we all know I need it.

Shalalalalala I'm a soldier of love

2009-06-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well I just got home from a jam packed Wednesday. A full day of work, a trip out to the temple, longboarding with the sisters and a 45 minute drive back.

Life has been pretty low key lately. The boy that I was rehearsing romantic scenes with, sent me a renewal of friendship via the facebook. Odd. I was going to just decline but I figured that would just result in too much drama so I opted the route of adding and not really paying all that much attention. So far so good. He's too busy being the new Donny Osmond anyways.

So Topher is apparently in the Hat....and I haven't heard a word from him since departure to Alberta. Odd. It is like this eerie calm before a storm.

I have taken a liking to this really good guy. Odd. Cause I usually go for the final five in the Mr. Low Life Loser pageant. He's this beautifully hilarious, musically inclined, and lets not lie,a very well built boy. He is flirty...but that doesn't really help my cause, because that is just kind of his disposition. As you all know I have quite mastered the technique of recruiting a good guy, even for the simplest events such as a date. So everyone just put some good karma out there for me....dedicate a yoga session or something. I dunno I just need all the positive energy I can round up for this endeavour.

I look forward to the proceeding posts from this.

Toughest of the tough....but still a lady...

2009-06-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

Well another week has come and gone. I can't believe that it is June! I am almost half way through the year. And I am feeling ok about 2009. I have only had one trainwreck of a "relationship" thus far...which is good considering that by this point last year I was in the middle of my third. So props to that.

I am excited for summer cause that means it is the season for Performances in the Park. Last year I started organizing little aucoustic shows that we played in various parks in the community. Last year we did two fantastic shows and at the end of this month I have the third one in the works. I am excited for music, oh how I love it! So if you are looking something to do on June 27th I'll keep you posted and you can come out and listen.

Along with that I have been invited to go up and sing at this little art/aucoustic night up in Calgary in July. Kind of nervous about it but at the same time excited I think it is going to be a lot of fun. My girlfriend Kara is part of the group organizing it so thanks to her I get to be a part of it all. Which means I should start practicing it up.

Another thing that I plan on co-organizing with my lovely friend Jenny sometime next month, is a classey sort of cabaret night. I sing a lot for funny times but I think it would be nice to sit down at a piano and sing mellow songs with low lighting while the audience sips on funny little drinks. I did learn how to play California and am itching to play it for an audience. Though I could never fully do the wonderful Ms. Sarah Slean justice.

Really, I have decided that my answer to my problem that has been keeping me awake at night is to keep busy. I need things to focus on, other than my potential downfall. I was such a mess when he left last time. I am in no rush to go back to being that girl. I need to remember that,and forget everything else.

I know better, I know better....still I wish I was by your side....

2009-05-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

Ok! So last night I was privy to see the wonderfully quirky Sarah Slean. I am in a euphoric state. I love that girl, she is my idol if I could be anyone but me...I would be her.

The first time I saw her live was last year at Knox Church in downtown Calgary. Now I am not a big crier....but when I heard the song "Please Be Good To Me" the tears streamed from my eyes. Her lyrics so ingenious, so poignant. They can create emotion and a connection. This time I came prepared to feel. Since I came with a foreknowledge of their effect on me, I was certain a tear would not catch me off guard. But alas, as she played "California" my eyes may have glistened. It was so hauntingly beautiful, and related to how I feel perfectly. Listen to the song... especially if you love someone you shouldn't. I am currently in the process of learning it on the piano.

And of course she finished with "My Invitation." It was like she could read my mind on what songs she should play. I could have sat there all night in that UofC theatre. I actually have sang on that very same stage she played on tonight. Kind of cool side note.

It was a good day. Spent a good portion shopping, and a short but fantastic portion listening to my favourite artist. I got home at 2:00 am...and was so tired that I fell dead asleep. Which was wonderful considering I haven't slept a full night in about a week. Thoughts of this impending reunion have me in inner turmoil. I know better, I know better....still I wish I was... by your side.

And a Sun to Maybe Dissapate, Shawdows of the Mess You've Made

2009-05-24T22:20:00.002-07:00

I am kind of in this weird state of shock....so I apologize for this post in advance.
So Topher is moving home for the summer.
Yep....who saw that coming? Definitely not me. To update those who don't quite understand the entirety of this read the blog. He is the best friend who moved to Ontario, the one who despite all odds...somehow connected with me. I don't know what to make of this or how to feel. Initially, excited to see my friend. Then fear set in. Something in me loves that boy. Which is actually ridiculous because I never in a million years want to end up with him. I want to just be friends I want to be carefree and crass and make our ridiculous jokes and tell each other everything and anything with no harsh judgments and open opinion. I want so bad to go back to before Vancouver. I want my best friend back desperatly, and so does he.
But, I have no idea how to get back there or if I can get back there. Is Colin Hay singing the truth?

Say Goodbye to the World You Thought You Lived In

2009-05-24T22:20:00.001-07:00

So we all failed the preliminary round for Fernie Date 2009.
Let me explain. My boss every year takes our whole office to spend a weekend in Fernie. Every year I have such a great time. We stay at this beautiful resort up in the mountains, you can go check out all the little fun shops while enjoying a carmel apple from The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. It is a fantatic weekend. This year three of us decided that this year our guest would not be our sibling or close girlfriend....that we in fact were gonna round up dates. Which in reality you shouldn't be too hard to find a sensible guy who would want to spend a free weekend in Fernie....but we don't live in reality....we live in YSA.

Whether they were too young, too old, too complicated, too unavailable, or just flat out too stupid, no guys took any interest, in fact most screwed us over. Our life is like living in "The Bachelor". The odds are definitley not in our favor. There is 25 women to 1 guy. And we are talented, educated, articulate, beautiful women. However, placed in the crap shoot of a scenario, most of us appear in a few brief episodes. Then our stint on that round of the show is done. When did dating become this? Why can he kiss two of us in one night and it is deemed acceptable in his decision process?And why am I one of the older girls at 23? This "show" isn't in fact one of reality at all.

I don't want to play anymore.

Here's to us not finding a Fernie Date....here's to them finding us.

You Don't Need Treats....You Don't Need Tricks

2009-05-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

Ok peeps here is the latest....
So new story. Met a boy, well actually had met him a couple times... thought the polite thing to do would be at least to make him my Facebook friend. So i did so. Of course, he accepted my request and became what has been deemed "an internet boyfriend." For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it is someone that is your best buddy on msn or facebook chats you up, and comments on practically everythings you write. But the reality of it is...have you really spent any amount of time with this person in real life? 5 minutes at most.
Ok, this guy is cute, educated, articulate and thinks things like Flight of the Conchords are funny. This is good...maybe we should try to transition this into reality. I would like to state that by moving this to reality, is spending more than 5 minutes with this person...not in fact making them your actual boyfriend....but instead of typing, actually talking. And they always seem to be implying that they would like do to so as well.
So I made some feeble attempts...even set up an appointment at our office for him. Alas, only in the end to find out he wasn't worth the trouble. Tonight, being the blunt individual that I am, was like hey I am doing this you should come. He was like maybe...I will think about it...lol and I was like no no either you are coming or you aren't and he was like I'm not....which would have been fair enough to leave it at that but we give an excuse of another lady finding out and that being an issue.....and we're done! I am a no nonsense girl. You want to get to know me...then do. Simple. If you don't then don't I don't need an excuse.
Maybe I was too harsh? Rash even? I dunno I just figure if it resemebles the situations of my past in anyway then to cut my losses. Of course, I will be civil and polite...I mean he isn't a bad person, just the potential it flickered was apbrutly extinguished.
Oh wait update... he has a girlfriend....remember that time you kept pretending like you wanted to hang out and do something? Ok quick tip, fact ,whatever...if you have a girlfriend.....you shouldn't be out for more potential friends that are girls. Just a thought? Correct me if I am out of line in that statement.

She's Done What She Should Should She Do What She Dares?

2009-05-24T22:17:00.002-07:00

So I got a longboard! I know.. every has told me I am gonna kill myself...which I may, I am not known for my grace and agility. My boss/dentist told me today to protect my hands/arms at all costs and that she could always fix my teeth :) I have been out on it twice and wiped out today for my first time! I have the feeling it is the first of many but I am having a good time. The board is a Sector 9 Joel Tudor and its green. It's pretty sexy, I'm not gonna lie.

I cut my losses with the cute boy I was auditioning. It's a good thing the play was starting to fall apart at the seems, I was spending too much time rehearsing trivial scenes. He will not be getting a call back.

So on to the up and coming stories of life. I was thinking back the other day to the last time life felt more fun and less stressful. I couldn't pinpoint an exact date but I was reading some old emails and looking at some old photos. Flash back to two summers ago...I was dating a boy named Tom. Life was simple and despite what I thought at the time the kid loved me. He outright told me, but me being me, I refused to believe it. Now I am trying to get to a place in my life where if someone told me that I would believe them....and I just as I was thinking about how to go about it who should pop up to chat but Tom himself. We chatted about life and how much has changed and just wanting to simplify, de-stress, and chill. I suggested we get together and play guitar like old times. Now don't get the wrong idea with this. time has moved both of us to far off places from one another. He even has a gf. But it is just about finding that place where life wasn't a mess.

So other story...for those of you who don't know. Last summer I fell in love with one of my best friends. Our friendship changed into this awkard heap of a mess and he moved home to Ontario last fall. I never wanted to fall for him or be with him...it just happened. And I have spent a good portion of the last 6 months trying to move past these feelings and work it all out, Because he still is one of my best friends and I miss him a ton. He invited me to come and see him this summer. Which sounds like a fantastic fun idea. I love big cities and would get to spend a week in Toronto. Plus I really miss him. Now I kind of had a reality check conversation with my soulmate Carrie. She was like who are you kidding something will happen...you have fallen into this how many times? And it is just keeps on happening. Which is true.But as terrible of an idea as it is...I still am conflicted about it.

So here's to making the decisions that will make me happy. I wish myself the best of luck

It's Verbatim and it's Shakin'

2009-05-24T22:17:00.001-07:00

Ok so last night I may or may not have had my socks rocked off by two of the sweetest Canadian bands. I have dubbed my friend Cody my concert boyfriend cause his actual girlfriend never wants to come to concerts. So I luck out and score extra tickets. It's a pretty sweet deal actually I'm not gonna lie. However, Codes and I have a lot to learn about being concert goers. The tickets said the show was to start at 7...lol now I wasn't that niave I was like pshh prob won't start till 8:30 or 9ish but whatever we can go and chill and it won't be that long. I swear that is didn't start till 9:30. Oh well better then that time we were stoked to see The Midway State perform and showed up thinking that we were going to be hard core and beat out all the other fans. So we showed up 15 mins early....lol only to find that no one in Lethbridge really knew who The Midway State was and we could have just waltzed right up to the front of the stage, the very moment they walked on to play. Oh well live and learn.

The opening band was really who I knew more of the music of. I have seen Said the Whale count em three times now, and never do they dissapoint. However, this band always has a bass player who looks like he doesn't belong. Poor guy he just swayed back and forth in the background. I don't think one of the 4 other band memebers ever made eye contact with him. I think I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. I wonder how long this guy will last? Maybe I could be the next bass player!

Which brings us to Mother Mother. I was freaking blown away by this band. Their sound is really different and I love that it is a co-ed band with more than one token girl.It had it all sweet rhythems, tasty guitar licks, and bass player who not only belonged but was friggin hott and whipped out a tenor sax from time to time. Look up Hayloft... I suggest it cause it was the first song I listened to and I was hooked.
Good music makes me happy.

Enter Stage Left

2009-05-24T22:16:00.001-07:00

So here I am making my triumphant return to blogging. Ok take out triumphant and replace it with whatever you wish. None the less if you ever have read my blog before it is just the pointless rants and stories of my life. So enjoy.
So of course there is always the recent boy making his debut on the Ashley Show. He's cute, funny and probably the most talented of anyone to ever grace the stage. But of course he possesses the qualities and characteristics that most of the males I cast embody. Young and lacking any sort of motivation or direction. Yet he pulls off the romantic scenes so well that you can't help but keep him around for a couple rehearsals. Horrible I know. I would like to actually cast him in an actual role but he lacks the commitment to follow through with the production. Auditions are turning out to be a lot of fun, however I am spending too much time casting the chorus line.
But I have been thinking. It is ingrained into me that in order to make this play a success I need to cast a leading man, Ok enough of the analogy but in all seriousness, it is a notion that I am trying to move past. I think I can pull this off on my own. I no longer think that I need the validation of a boyfriend or what have you to make me a success. I have kind of a new do what you feel attitude. My goal is to be happy on my own terms. Which has raised a bit of a ruckus with a few folks. People have their own opinions on what you should and shouldn't do to produce this so called happiness. I think it differs for everyone what that means and entails so just because you are happy doing what you are doing doesn't mean another person will be. So in conclusion, don't worry if what I am doing doesn't seem right or make any sense. Who are you to determine that?
So there was a story and a rant...oh the joys of blogging.

Intermission

2008-06-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well another year another realization that I should start blogging again. Who knew that you could go a year and be no further ahead in life then you were not even a year ago but 2 and a half years ago when I actually started this thing.

It seems that I am lost in the routine of life. I wake up, eat a yougart, go to work and come home to my guitar then sleep and repeat the process. I would tell you the stories of the boys in my life but, they are pretty much the same boys and the same stories. Still in love with the same people that time should have washed away for you but failed quite miserably. It seems like months can pass and then again when contact is made its like you haven't skipped a beat and neither has your heart.

Colors of the wind does have the word how in it!

2007-04-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well well well. So Topher is out. Man that didn't take long. I wished him luck but somehow everyone crashes and burns in the book of Flick. I was the lead along dumpee in this chapter....which is pretty much a running theme in the book.

But since Topher took his place in the line of those who hurt me....someone else got bumped back up to the line of my friends. Which is great because I didn't like not having the boy with the curly blonde hair as my friend. So coudous to Kasson.

Yesterday was fun filled. Complete with a walk through a graveyard and later on a game in which some how I ended up singing "Milkshake" by Kelis with Braden,

I was really starting to look like a before infomercial before picture....so I got my hair cut today! So I am looking good for what might possibly be the encounter #1. Plus I am wearing a hot button up pin striped shirt from the GAP so I am feeling good.

So watch me play with fire....it seems to be my favourite pastime.

How long is too long when you're waiting by the phone?

2007-04-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Remember how I am such a girl that it sickens me. I have hung out with Topher numerous times over the past week and the one night that we don't I can't let my cell phone out of my sight just in case. I didn't think I was letting my guard down. I actually thought I was doing really good. But I evaluated myself today and I am falling for him whether I like it or not. How could I not be especially after last night playing pool? Things just clicked in and felt so comfortable and right. Sitting beside him last night I could have stayed up till all hours of the night, not caring that I had to be in to work at 8, because it just felt so good to have his arm around me. I am such a girl that it sickens me.

Not only does it sicken me...but it frightens me. I cannot count the number of rejections that have weakened my ability to date properly. I always doubt myself and doubt the way the other person feels about me. Even though others tell me how he feels, I can't believe it. Not till it is said out loud by him. And there in lies the rub. If you haven't guessed that is my new favourite saying.

Where do I/we stand?

2007-04-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is a terrific question my friends. And it seems like I am always looking for the answer to it. So me and Topher( I decided to stop calling him the premee) have been hanging out a great deal lately. I really like him. He makes me laugh and during the days where work seems crappy and I am sick of people...knowing that I will see him at the end of the day just makes things seem ok. I am not trying to be weird or mushy, but its true. Everything we do leads me to believe we are dating( I don't think he would be too impressed if I went on a date with someone else tonight and visa versa) But we aren't dating, at least nothing has been said. And there in lies the rub...because no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to just say it yesterday, I couldn't. Because every time I have that conversation...things nosedive and careen out of control and there I am left alone to figure out how long I had been wasting my time on that person.

Do you always have to outright say it? I tend to believe so, because if you don't then you can just back out with ease at anytime because...you weren't dating. I have to give a shout out to the girls who told them if he hurt me they would beat his sorry butt in a sketchy back alley on the north side. I am being so gaurded it's horrible, but necessary because you can only get hit by the "I just though we were really good friends/heck no" bus so many times.

Shun the non believer shhhunnn shhhhhhhuuuuuuuunnnnnnn

2007-03-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

OK so quite possibly this has been one of the roughest days I have had in awhile. I awoke this morning feeling lethargic and gross. I looked into my closet to find my mountain of laundry that awaited me. I did my laundry not once but twice today because I had to rewash my clothing cause I forgot my lip gloss in one of my pockets and it grease stained pretty much everything!Hooray! Then I had to go and face a bank teller to get American cash, and took out my last 30 dollars and went to put 10 dollars of gas on my credit card. Amounting to 40 dollars I really didn't have. Ok. So I put the gas in my car and go to jump back in and realize wait a second....CRAP! As I stared at my keys through the glass of the drivers side window I cursed whatever was trying to make this day a no go for me. I went and phoned TNT towing and went back out to sit on the trunk of my car and wait. But I did not wait alone. Oh no. Some random trucker to strike up conversation with me. As I sat there trapped with no where to go I muddled small talk for 20 mins.

As soon as I got in the car I expected to feel relieved, however that feeling was replaced with impending doom. I phoned my mother and her knowing me( she wouldn't tell me I was going on a field trip till I was on the bus I am kind of a worrier) reassured me that everything would be ok and that I needed to go on this trip. But I keep on facing feelings and situations that are telling me otherwise. So something is out to get me. I am just hoping to have a fun time at Candymountain....I mean Utah, and that I don't lose a kidney.

Don't you understand I already have a plan

2007-03-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

What the freaking barf am I doing? I am standing in line for the emotional roller coaster of my life, and I am freaking out just being in line. Tonight was not good. I have been spending most of my nights with the premee, having a surprisingly good time and finding myself thinking hey why not? Then as I start to let myself get a little involved emotionally....Murphy's law would have it the cold front comes in. Friday night was amazing and I had such a wonderful time and things were just so comfortable. Tonight however the comfort level diminished and I realized I would never give a rats behind about gears of war and the walk we went on ended with an awkward run in with an unexpected crowd.

My goodbye to the other is tomorrow. It's going to be hard.

So as I stand realizing I am in the group that is going to get in the roller coaster next, I want to turn around and get out of line...but this sick part of me really loves the ride. There's something about being at the top of a drop in a roller coaster that just appeals to me. Evening knowing the thrill is going to last all of 5 mins, and then you walk off the ride feeling nauseous and disoriented.

1:30 am can only warrant questioning

2007-03-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

At times it is hard to believe the irony in your life. Who would have ever dreamed I would have ended up with a Kasson complex? Ok not me. But yet here I am. Why did I show up at the teen dream pageant and think that I would just walk away without wanting to hang out with one of the contestants at the after party? I had a really good night last night actually. He's really sweet and funny. However...I should definitely not be pushing this. Yet it's hard not to when someone thinks your jokes are funny and actually asks you to go out and do something with them. It is kinda a rare thing for that to happen. And really it shouldn't be.

I am needing to remedy this. Actually not remedy, but detour? I dunno I have to switch routes. I want to be his friend.....I am his friend. But there is extreme potential to ruin this. I am not going to let this turn out like another boy horror story in my book. This premee is going to get a happy ending. Maybe not the one he wanted but it would be better then the one that was originally in store.

Here's to me Mrs.Robinson/A.H.

2007-03-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Ok....so he's only a year and a half younger then me. Oh dear in real life this isn't a big deal but in the Mormon alter reality that I live in it kinda is. So I dunno what I am doing but it can't end well. Really I am having trouble seeing how any boy situation in my life will end well. But really if you have ever read my blog before you can foresee the pattern in my my life that is about to replay itself. So here's to the premee...good luck trying to make it a happy ending in my story book.

But really would I be satisfied with one epic drama?Nope. You know me always looking for more. So I am doing pretty much everything that is frowned upon in the pursuit of the opposite sex in LDS culture.Dang that boy and his smile, how can you not spend 15mins after any church function chatting it up with him? But I didn't give him a calender of babies dressed as adults, so I am still in the clear...somewhat.

Well this wasn't the triumphant return to blogging I had envisioned,but it will do. You have to start somewhere. And really I let you into the two parts of my life right now that are going to lead to more blogs. Be excited its gonna get.....good?

They say that I won't last too long on broadway

2006-06-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

Ok.

Happy rejection #3!

Ok....so who didn't see this coming? LOL! I knew before I auditioned for the part of Tee Tom's side kick that I didn't fit the role. Yet I still prepared a song and dance number, only to be cut of in the middle of it and told I wouldn't be getting a call back. Well metaphorically that is kinda what happened, but instead of being told I wouldn't be getting a call back I looked up in the middle of my song to find him making out with one of the much younger skinnnier actresses. And scene.

Well thats that I guess. Things come in threes right. So I should be finished with rejection....thats comforting.

(ANIME WILL NEVER NOT BE FUNNY)

I don't really expect anyone to read all of this.....My blog is just my therapy

2006-06-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

Well well well, who would have seen this coming. My inner defense mechanism was right all along. Ok well I am going to tell you the most unbiased version of the story that I can and you can decided for yourselves.

Ok I was really excited for FHE. I knew I was going to see him there and I knew if I wanted to start putting it out there...this would be the perfect time. FHE that evening was a backyard bbq with all our ward at the bishops home. I walked in and as denise would say I "smiled at the universe". I walked up to Tee Tom and asked how he was doing. It replied by saying "Have you been tanning Flick?" I was like perhaps what's it to you :)? ( in a joking way) and he was like oh....well cause the rest of you is tanned but your face is all white. OK probably not the smoothest thing to say....however I took it as joking flirt banter and dropped it.

All FHE we hung out and talked and what not. In passing he was like hey we should go see Nacho Libre. I was like yeah we should when it comes out and he was like it opened on Friday. So I was like what? I thought it opened this next week...oh well sure. So we kept chatting he told me about how is car was in the shop. We sat with my gf's and things seemed to be going well. Then he was like ya so are we going to see the movie? I was like yeah sure....so I had Denise drive me home to get my car and then headed back over. When I came back he was playing ultimate Frisbee but when I came over he left the game. Good sign. So soon after we left.

We got in my car and as we were driving over he was like I have to phone Mark I promised I would watch this with him and I was like yeah sure kool. Then when he didn't pick up the phone he was like what's Ginger doing tonight? I was like oh I dunno I think she is over doing a family thing. Then he asked what Sarah was up to. I said she was going to probably hang out with Ben. So I dunno when it was a reality that it just may be the two of us he went kinda weird. So we get to the theatre and of course....lol it wasn't out yet. So I was like hey since we are here is there anything else you wasn't to see. Half poubting he was like no.....so I was like hey we'll get back in my car and we can think of something else to do.

As we are leaving the mall he was like "Flick don't you sometimes just want to make out with someone?" And I was like ummm...and he was like oh you too huh? And I said nope but since we are by the top hat and roadhouse I am sure I could drop you off and you could find someone who does. I realize now writing this story that I came off as perhaps not realizing it at the time but kinda shooting him down. But I didn't want to play the stupid game that I always play I was trying to do things right. I guess I could have handled that better.

So we are driving around and after about 10 mins of no ideas we stop at a red light. To our left there is a girl at her house outside getting stuff out of her backseat of her car. She was wearing pink la senza sweats that said CANDY....across the butt. Tee Tom started making jokes like maybe she should lay off the candy...whatever whatever. Of course implicating that she was fat. Ok the girl no lies....was my size. OK I know I am not the skinniest person in the pack, but if he thought she was bigger good chance he was thinking the same thing about me.

Anyways so I was a little put off by this point. So I was like what do you want to do? Do you want to go to a movie? Do you want to go for a walk? Want to get slurpees? Do you want me to take you home? Now I know....that sounds like I was trying to get rid of him. But in reality I was trying to give him an out. If he didn't want to hang out with me he didn't have to. So he said well lets go rent a movie. Phew we had some sort of direction.

So I head to the north side blockbuster. On the way over his cell rings. He picks it up and starts chatting...well since I am a foot away from Tee Tom I can't help but overhear the convo which went. "Ya? Soccer? Where? So you go past the first set of light turn left and the go straigh till you see the feild? Cool....ya! Are there going to be hot girls there? ( BOO inner monologue) Ya I will be there!" So we are heading north. Tee Tom lives on the South. So I take my next right and get on Mayor so we are heading south. He gets off the phone and is like "Flick what are you doing?" I was like well I am just putting 2 and 2 together but you're going to play soccer? I was so confused. Anyways he was like "Yeah I dunno I was thinking about it I dunno I really don't want to go...I dunno". I was like kool well do you want me to drop you off at home? The west side? And he was like no no lets go rent a movie and I said if you want to go play soccer...thats kool. And he was like lets go rent a movie.

So all of a sudden I feel like he is like ohh boourns I have to hang out with Flick because I first made plans with her but I really want to go play soccer with hot girls.Anyways....we rent a movie entitled "Just Friends"....how fortuitous. We drive back to my house and we are the only ones there. He sat down on the couch first I was like ok....don't sit on the opposite end that looks ridiculous. So I sat beside him. Which probably looked ridiculous too...I dunno I was so junkied up by this point. During the movie hardly says anything.

Movie ends...I pick up my purse and he was like oh Bradshaw(best friend) is coming over...He's going to take me home. I was like ok? Anyways so we talk while we are waiting for him. He comes and takes him home.

WHAT? what? WhAT? I dunno what happened. I thought things looked like they were going somewhat positive and then SMASH right into the ground, hard! Who really knows I guess. I know I did some things that may have made him think that I wasn't interested, but I did them in response to things he was doing that made me think he wasn't interested. I give up on boys they confuse me.

That's why my friends call me whiskers!

2006-06-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason...the mutual interest, that I think I pretty much hullicinated, I am not feelin it anymore. And of course my automatic inner self was like "remember you hate tee tom" So while i fight off my inner defence mechanism, I am trying to logically think things through and keep myself calm before completely junking up everything and anything.

I think I need a new modivational poster one which reads....." I am indifferent towards Tee Tom" Cause really that is was I am going to try my hardest to be. I don't want to hate tee tom...I don't want to like tee tom. Indifference is bliss.

I always put the cart before the horse...always...I am a worrier. Which is possibly why my friends call me whiskers. But I so badly don't want to be a junked up mess and end up breaking up with tee tom without ever dating him. I don't want kids outside Tim Hortons laughing at me.

So here I go. I am going to give indifference my best effort. I am not going to lie Mody has pretty much let me know how less fun it is to be hurt. I am in no hurry to dive into that anytime soon.

Dramatic Irony at the Show'n'Shine

2006-06-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

Scene: YSA dance

Time: 11:00pm ish

I arrive at the dance that I deemed the show'n'shine. I wanted to look good that night...so I felt good...so I radiated confidence. I am making a play for Tee Tom but I am going to do it right!(for once, no accidentally flashing my bra this time) Anyways he was the first to ask me to slow dance. And dang the kid looked good. I dunno if I am just really wanting this to happed and hullicinating in my mind, but it feels like there is some quazi possible mutual interest. ( ok I figure if I get shut down I will just go back to the age old theory of hating Tee Tom)

Things are going pretty well we kinda danced the fast songs in the same group. Enter Mody. Remember him? Really how could you forget? By default he ended being my friend of the night cause I think his pickings were scarce. So there I am with Mody by my side for a good portion of the night. I mean its not that I was like boo get away from me...but if Tee Tom would have had a girl by his side the whole night I would have been dissapointed. LoL so really the first dance that I wouldn't mind not seeing Mody.... there he is by my side. Oh the irony!

I really wanted Tee Tom to come and talk to me after the dance...but I really can't blame him cause I could have gone up to him and talked to him as well. I contimplated it but couldn't figure out what I was going to say once I got there. Lets hope he had the same problem!

Enter Tee Tom

2006-05-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ok rule number one in keeping in balance with the universe. NEVER say you hate someone...so much so that you have to put a poster up in you bedroom that declares " I am nice to______"

Well ok I will be the first to admit...I never actually hated him. He was actually what I was looking for...however it appeared I definatly was not fitting the mold of what he was looking for. So I figured ok what is the opposite of liking this boy...not liking him! OK done! I dunno why that was the logic in my brain, but it was.

Enter Tee Tom. Well re-enter. We hung out casually the other night. I had alot of fun and after unintentionally stealing some JBC's, I was like wait what is the opposite of not liking this boy....aww crap! I don't like Tee Tom I can't! For telling myself for so long that I didn't like this boy...it took not very long to change my mind.

So Karma will kick you in the pants...don't doubt that. I am going to eat a carmel apple and hope for the best! And I put this picture on today cause I dunno it had me laughing for minutes! If I am truely queen of the hobo's who is my creepy santa clause?

It was the best of times it was the worst of times

2006-05-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Well I got home from Edmonton in one piece phyiscally after many close calls....emotionally somewhat in fragments. I spent my time with Mr. Thiel and it is what I would deem, awkward,dissapointing and confusing. In that order. Let me give ya'll the readers digest version of the story....I went to see if there was something there......there wasn't.

So once that was tragically figured out the downward part of the weekend was over. I went to my old roomate's wedding reception....and I got to see a few of my old friends.....Remember Dan mentioned a couple blogs back. We got to talk and catch up for a few minutes. I forgot how much he makes me laugh. Like teary eyed!

I got to see like a plethera of engagement rings. No matter where I go I cannot escape it I guess! It is a reality I am going to have to face no matter where I am.

And well the dance party with sarah and tash was nostalgic and fun beyond believe. So it was a bad weekend.....but it was a good weekend. On another brighter note I got hooked up with some sweet sweet hollister attire. Woot summer wear!

The Yearly Repetition of my Past

2006-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well, another year another Thiel story. Every year me and this boy meet up somehow. First year we met, second year we cuddled, third year we held hands and he kissed me, now I am scared to meet him for our forth year encouter. I dunno why this is...summer last year was great we hung out all the time we were really good friends and things were just so comfortable with him...I dunno why the next step logically seemed to be a kiss but it was.

So this weekend I am going up to Edmonton for a friends wedding reception( of course). And we have kept in touch via email and msn. He is stolked for us to hang out.....and I am undecided. Its because girls think to much about nothing. Really it is nothing....what can happen I will see him for all of one day. And what can happen in one day?

Ok well at least I got a chance to write this down and think it through.Everthing will be fine right? RIGHT!

Are we soulmates?

2006-04-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

I pose this question to you.

Let me take ya'll back to Cardston High School about lets say....5 years ago. I dunno why or for what reason but I found this little blonde pipsqueak of a boy rather attractive...him knowing this, asked me out on a date...it was the first time anyone ever had and I would never forget it. However things did not stay so hunkey doorey between the two of us..between the sadie hawkins fiasco and him calling me stupid it had to go downhill..infact if you picked the two people that fought the most in high school it would be me and him.

LoL now this was a long time ago....in fact I haven't seen him in two years cause he has been in California. Funny part of this story kicks in...I have been talking to friends from high school and without fail each one of them has said something along these lines to me.....you know who I have always seen you ending up with Ash......Phil. It is pretty much the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. But its like going full circle to end up with him.

lol now stop yourselves trust me I do not think this is destiny or anything....I just find it rather amusing that people say that to me. Plus my mom keeps stratigically throwing in his mish addy whenever we talk.

Smile like you mean it

2006-04-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Brandon, my aunts brother featured in the pic to the left could not have said it better.

Ok well the past weeks.....wait its been months...have been what my roomate Denise would term crapped up. Ok so I don't feel like I am on the cusp of greatness or anything of that nature but I do feel like everything is ok.

It is going to be the best week of my life I am sure of it. I only work two days this week. I am going to Great Falls with a bunch of friends on the weekend. Life is good.

As for Mody this is my official let go. Its done.

As for this weekend I am terming it the entrance into summer time. And good times are ahead. Summer is the funnest season in my opinion and it is going to bring alot of change into my life. End of June is the official splitting of the remenants of the 727 house. So I should enjoy my girls while I got them. Things have to get better....cause well they can only stay bad for as long as I let them.

Good Ole Uncle Rick!

2006-04-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well I knew that I would have to tell him today when I saw his name on the day sheet at work. Rick one of my fave patients ever would be coming in. He always....without fail asked me about your favorite boy and mine. Anyways when he came in today, of course asked me. I had to explain to him that I had been told no. He was like what?You're the koolest! And I was like yeah I know I am whatsup with this?! And he was like thats it I am going to Canadain Tire and I am going to have a talkin to with this kid. I just laughed at him and sent him on his way but....after thinking about it....I would not put it past him to actually do it.....that worries me some.

Anyways to keep the good new rollin.....tomarrow is my job evaluation.....BOOURNS! I remember last time being drug into that little dark shady office and being bombarded with insults and not at all being evaluated.....more like emotionally beat with a 2X4. YAY! Well I will have to find something to do after work to bring my spirits up!

Anyways nothing really exciting to talk about. Though I wish there was.

Shut down for spring....Twice.....wait thrice!

2006-04-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Ok well if you haven't noticed it you're blind,deaf and dumb....Spring fever has hit, and it has hit hard. Everyone is in like.....everyone! Ok wait stop.....everyone except me. Somehow I am immune to the magic of spring. I become "not so nice Flick". I become pretty much the opposite of what spring fever is all about.

Let me take you back to last year. Living in Edmonton all my roomates now attatched at the hip to their new found boys. I was making a play for a certain boy named Dan. We hung out all the time did like everything together, I put it out there so much that random people I didn't know would come up and ask me what was with Dan and I......Nothing......absolutly nothing came of it. Immune to the magic of spring.

This spring I was shut down twice in a row....once by a boy who I didn't like in the first place.Yeah really how does that happen?And again by the Dan model of 2006.

So plan is to avoid social scenes as much as possible till spring ends. It needs to be summer now more than ever!

Me and you are subject to the blues now and then

2006-04-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to mental health Monday! I dunno if this is what feeling dead inside is like but its a really numb, odd kind of feeling. Well of course the answer was no. I knew it,Denise knew it.....I am sure my creepy peeping tom neighbor across the street knew it. Ok so major dissapointment....great guy lost to the awkwardness of Flick. Well not the first, and knowing me definatly not the last.

So besides not being at my greatest these past two days.......weird boys are coming out of the woodwork. There is this boy in my ward who just doesn't get the hint that we aren't going to hang out....not ever....calling and leaving messages on my phone. And this other one who I also lost to awkwardness who texts me to ask if I am still awkward and if we can hang out. Nothing screams awkward like that text message. And of course while at home I got the random you and Peter should have gotten together speech from a friend of ours. Yep...that's always good to hear.

So how could it not be a mental health Monday? So of course I will be purchasing a slurpee sometime today......and some new flip flops. Cause I love those as well....and I have to do something to stir some positive emotion within myself.

I'm crazy for tryin and crazy for cryin

2006-03-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

Ok so pretty much the title lets you in on my current state of mind. I am crazy. Who knew a pot smokin hippie and a twangy country singer could come together to make this emo song for a 20 yr old dental assistant who is crazy in whatever she may decide to do?

Thank goodness Denise went through this over 2 months ago so she could help drag me through it. I am 99.99% sure that the answer from Mody is thanks.....but no thanks. But I just want to hear it.Is that odd? Cause there is this weird glimmer of hope....small as it may be in the back of my mind that is like don't just assume no and walk away you haven't even done anything. But there is this part of me that doesn't want to risk the comfortable current situation that is going on right now. But my goodness I don't know what the heck to do....its crazy to try cause it is the longest shot ever. But dumb to cry cause what good does that do anybody? But really those are my two options. I think that I will just suffer in silience until slowly but surely everything withing me dies. Then I can be Denise, and never cry again!

I was talking to my roomates last night and Heron was like....ash not to be mean to you but....you just move from guys....you are like hey I like you....oh you don't like me kool NEXT. But this is something that isn't seeming to just go away. What the crap is wrong with me?

hooray for everything!

2006-03-29T12:30:00.000-08:00

Well is is more than official.....we have enterered the wedding season! 5 weddings thus far I am invited to over the course of the next three months of my friends not including my cousins which would make six. Ok so yes I am somewhat on the verge of a nervous breakdown...but it isn't because I don't have a ring on my left finger....I am 20 I have plenty of time to get married.

I just feel as if I am going no where at an extremely fast rate. Boys that I didn't want in the first place don't want me. Good guys seem scarce, and my reformed attitude towards not allowing myself to give up the search for one with less emotion behind in then before.

I am not going to give up my "reformed attitude" I have come in contact with a bunch of nice guys since then. And made a really nice guy friend.

I definatly need a slurpee.....really there is no point in my life when I will not need one man I love slurpees. Anyways thanks for listening to the rant of a crazed ysa.

So close you can almost taste it

2006-03-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

Wow its been like 20 days since I have blogged! Not that anything really exciting has happed to be blogging about. Well Mody.....as much as that would be a good thing to happen.....its not going to. And I am trying to accept that and just move along. Another weird situation came about in my life.....a good boy that through the grapevine had some interest and was showing it.We hung out alot over the past week quite a bit but I was rather undecided about how I felt. But seeing that this was a good oppurtunity and deiciding that I shouldn't pass it up I decided to make a play in the positive direction. However there was no response from the boy. And in all honesty I wasn't that broken up about it. But rejection none the less is not a good feeling. Man where is the mutual interest in this world? I dunno you get so close......and then not so much.

Well sorry this blogtook a turn for the boring and not so interesting but that is my life in a nutshell over the past couple of weeks. It is the last week of the month and I am dying for it to be pay day....something tells me I am going to be living on fruit leather and saltines till Friday. Anyways I am going to go to bed.

I do want his autograph!

2006-03-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ok starting with Friday night.....I knew I was going to see "the boy" and that I had to look good and be confident, and what better way to be confident then in a brand spankin new pair of Silver jeans? So there was a dance on Friday and I was stolked cause not only do I love to dance, I knew strategically somehow I had to get a slow dance in. So I walk into the dance only to almost run into creepy man of the moment from so many weeks ago. I averted my eyes and headed to the middle of the gym. As we were dancing the boy walked in. Looking sooo good of course....be real how could he not? Anyways by the very end of the night, he did ask me to slow dance. It was pretty much the best 5 mins of my life thus far. =) Whoa jr high wants their story back.

Anyways he came over after the dance and we just hung out and chatted. Then Saturday evening a bunch of us went sledding. It was so much fun! And I was stratigically allowed to sit behind the boy on the sled when we took group trips down on it. Then again afterwards we just hung out and played the question game. It was good cause we all got to learn a little bit more about each other. And who doesn't like J Rich's stories....golden!

Then last night after the fireside again......we all hung out.....yet again. And I got to hear the best pink pather story I have heard in a long while. Oh goodness Mody thanks for that.

Sweet Lymric

2006-03-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

Well... I learned my lesson....stop going to institute. Cause who hangs out at institute....good guys...and one in particular.

I have been horrible at going to institute
And so I decided to start now
The girls kinda bribed me to go there
And I bet you all know how

Why most girls go to institute
They act all cute and coy
But its all some ellaborate scheme
To attract a certain boy

So there I am sitting quietly
Listening to way Bro. Wood has to say
Then he walks in the room
And my eyes focus another way

Well finally class ends
And it's time to chat and flirt
But my eyes kinda glaze over
And I act quite less alert

But it is all good
Cause I have another shot
He's coming to hang out
ahhh dang this boy is hott

So I step up my game
And things take a turn for the great!
I'm charming and I'm funny
Ohhhh but just you wait

Get to moca cabanna
And we hear the dilemma of his "friend"
As 7 mins of talking about this girl
I think will this ever end

Like getting stung by a jelly fish
Ever watch Bridget Jones?
You're wishing for an out
Everything within you moans

Finally the bill is paid
I head to my car without goodbye
Pretty much you can't sit through that
Without having a part of you die

So hmm what to do?
Does he know what's going on?
Probably not....
And he's done nothing wrong

And I don't get like this around boys
Whats up with this guy?
So even though I may end up looking like an idiot
I know I have to try

Robert Frost's got nothing on me! Anyways I hope you all laughed at my attempt at poetry. And by all I mean....pretty much Denise. Anyways! I am gonna do it...put it on out there, more so! And if I get shut down I do.

Giving up the pipe dream

2006-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Ok so boy who left me without words, saw him at instifruit tonight...and saw who he previously dated. Okkkk yeah she is pretty much everything I am not....little, blonde, big boobed with an english accent. I mean I can't trump that! Nothing trumps an accent...and I am pretty sure my boobs are introverted. Ahhh whats a girl to do?! Dang....it seemed like maybe just maybe....I dunno, oh well he will still be a good friend. And you can't have too many of those can ya Denise? :S

This bites, it really does! Cause tonight before busty larue came into the picture things were taking a turn for the great. Then BAM....not so much. Oh well Sam hugged me and told me I smelled good. Pimps and bad boys....really I should write a song, or book, or sweet lymric.

Well I am going to drink my sorrows away in some bottled relief society water! WOoT! I can't give up hope there is a good guy.....somwhere......right?

Come Fly with Me!

2006-02-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

Ok.....so who knew a boy could physically make you lose your voice? It all started when I decided I needed a new windsheild wiper cause one of mine was not doing its job very well. And oddly enough....a boy who I happen to find rather interesting and look like a puppy in front of works there. Plus it was more conveinient to go to that Canadian Tire =) Ha umm well anyways....yes after a practice run at the windshield wiper department at WalMart Sarah and I drove over to Candadian Tire to meet Denise for the real windshield wiper purchase. After I had my windsheild wiper picked out we casually perused the store to look at various items. Oddly enough we ran into =) the boy. As I tried to speak my voice got all raspy and weird and no matter how hard I tried to clear my throat......didn't work. He said thanks for coming to visit and that he would be coming to our FHE. I stumbled out of Canadian Tire and didn't look back.

He did show up at FHE. It was good I talked to him without my raspy old woman voice. We played the dating game at FHE and I was a contestant...and I ended up picking a really nice guy to go out on a date with. Plus my visiting teaching companion who has her pilots licence offered to take the couples who participated flying! So I am super excited I just hope that the boys follow through on the dates.

Then we went to the Penny Coffee House....which was a really good time. The guy that was working there was beyond entertaining and I got to eat a sandwhich with alvocados in it! It was a great eveninig only lacking in one aspect. But I had fun!

Frisky is Risky!

2006-02-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ok I am new at this. I mean I have never really had to do this before. I am trying to talk to normal nice guys. Now why this is new for me? It is because the boys that pay attention to me have never been normal nor nice.....I know how to carry on the pointless flirt banter, I know how to deal with boys like that.

Yesterday I got to spend sometime with Denise and Sarah.....and the boy who saw me looking at him like a puppy. Anyways alot better this time around. I did not look like a puppy and he kinda got to see what I am all about....and visa versa.It was good! If anything I made a new friend out of the whole expirience, which is great cause he is an awesome person. Not saying he is next in line but if I am able to meet and talk with normal guys more often like this I am on to dating one of them in no time. WOOT! Plus I got to listen to the Young Defenders of Canada CD....lol which is always a good time!

On to today. I did it....I sat beside the boy in church I had an in with. And yeah just talked to him and caught up and it was good. There wasn't really anything there but I am getting practice in. And dang I did look good today!

Buddy I am not your freakin buddy.

2006-02-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

Ooook so pretty much the worst thing happened to me at work today..... I work in a dental office.....and my boss knowingly knows he intimidates the beheejees outta me and he asks me to take impressions on him.....saying it is for my learning benefit but really I think it was for his shear enjoyment to watch me tremble. Of course I sucked and he was positioning my hand correctly and everything.

After listening to him crutique me for a good while I got to escape to the back to pour up the mold for his bleaching tray. Where the dental assistant who drives me bananas snaps at me for using plaster cause she didn't know what I was doing....my nerves are shot. I freakin walk on pins and needles at the office cause of her. I do love the people I work with but sometimes I just think that I am gonna snap! It will be a funny day when I do....But it was all good my boss at the day was like thanks for that awesome impression you took on me.I do like him even though he likes to torture me.

Oh funny update acidentally sent a text to weird man of the moment from two weeks ago....when i meant to send it to my roomate denise....they are close together in my phonebook....anyways yeah texts me back and calls me bud.....Ya? NO....anyways creepy I am not your bud. Really I wish I wasn't your anything but since I screwed up and kissed him I guess that makes us buddies? I dunno how it works but all I know is gotta be strong and not text back.....even though the idea is tempting. Nope I am not going to and thats it.

Thank you for being a friend!

2006-02-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

Our freakin house is insane! Wow right now we have our lone home teacher over and we are screaming each others dirty laundry at each other. Ahhh girls we gotta stop that. Do you realize we are never going to be able to bring a normal boy to this house?( no offense to those males who have visted the house previously but I am sure you all kinda understand). A normal good guy would know every story about me and run in the opposite direction. Not that I wouldn't be honest with someone I was dating but the way stories are told about me at this house I am made to look like Blanche Deveraux from the Golden Girls. And really who am I kidding my past kinda makes me out to look like her but I am trying to change that persona. Actually we are all kinda like the golden girls at this house....Sweet story telling Denise has to be Rose. Outspoken tell it like it is Sophia had to be Smith...and of course me being the youngest and all I took on the part of Blanche =). Heron......kinda by default is Dorothy.

Oh and about talking to the good guy at church......he wasn't there. And dang I looked good today...oh well till next week then. Oh and I got to talk to another good guy this weekend.....and I just kinda stood there looking like a freakin puppy...so maybe I need to work on my tactics when talking to good guys. Man I am kinda made out in this blog to look.....not so good. I promise I am not as scary as I make myself sound. Well quazi promise.

I probably think this song is about me

2006-02-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

Well at least I am not alone in this. Me and my roomie Smith realized that we like taking pictures......especially of ourselves. And really it may be a vain hobbie but it is so much fun....and I mean why not who else is going to sit there and take pictures of just you. So I thought I would share with the cyber world some of my pics! Cause I mean as fun as it is to read someones blog it is good to put a face with the rants.

This is NOT zombo.com

2006-02-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

Well I figure if the rest of the house hold has a blog I need one.....Yes Flick always the last to jump on the bandwagon. But I guess this is as good as time as any to start a blog. I for once ( well maybe for thrice) made a decision that will change the course of my dating patterns. I am excited about this! I am excited to start dating real boys and put the men of the moment aside. Being as how I have just turned 20 as well I think it is time to start dating real boys, as much fun as it is to play the retarded hand holding jr high movie party game.....it's not.
But this Sunday is it....I have an in with a good guy and I am going to play the game and I am going to play it right! I am excited. Well good luck to me!
Well sorry this blog is pointless and random but I needed to start out somewhere!