Friday, July 03, 2009

Dark Little Heaven At The Top Of The Stairs

So remember the girl who was overly anxious and couldn't sleep. Well last weekend it happened. It was the first time that I have seen Topher in about 9 months.

Though I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. As soon as he was at the door...I realized that the emotion that took precedence was excitement. I have missed him soo much! We went out for sushi at the Lighthouse just like old times and it was excellent. Our night started as it usually does with ridiculous stories and jokes. Of course no one else thinks we are funny besides the two of us. After dinner we just chilled at Henderson Lake again where the light portion of the evening continued.

Then the switch it always does....we went to Walmart where the conversation and light mood was replaced with the dark cloud of our past. I really thought I could just outrun it, but as we sat down at Earls for dessert...he was making the face. Now Topher makes this face when he wants to tell me something and of course just won't say it. I had no problem laying my chips out. I had prepared for this night. It took a long freakin nine months....but i figured us out. At least my end of the deal. And I was ok with everything. But because he refuses to speak...I probably will never know the whole situation. Again something I have come to terms with.

He handed me the guitar when we came back to my house....and though I didn't know if I had it is me...he asked me to sing...and I sang "Not You". Which is the song that I wrote on the drive home from Vancouver last year. My voice shook through the words...and hardly ever looked up. As I strummed the last chord...I could tell that he didn't really quite know how to process it. But he hugged me, and called me Ashley as he said goodbye.
We spent Sunday afternoon together and there we It is this thing that I have tried to make more than it is...this thing that I have tried to pretend is less....this thing that I have tried to ignore and out run. Yet here we are....and really where is that?


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