I Could Have Never Guessed

Well here we are t-minus a little less than a month till I am on the Island. Everything so far has gone well, plane tickets are bought and paid for my dental assisting renewal is paid for. And somehow financially I have been able to budget it all quite well so I am patting myself on the back.

Things with Graham are going fantastic. I actually named him on this. I know! And not even with an alias. The guy is wonderful and more than I could have ever hoped to find in someone else. Constantly he tells me how wonderful I am and how happy and excited he is to be my boyfriend. I cannot help but to reciprocate. I have never been in a relationship that shows potential, that doesn't have a fixed end point in my head. Everyday I love him a little bit more. He is good and does the things he should in life, something that shouldn't be that rare to find, but is. I can't wipe the smile off my face when I am with him, and when I am not with him I confess I take any opportunity to talk about him. Yes I am one of those girls, bare with me. Looking back these moments I spend with him are worth all the heartache and turmoil that it took to get here. To get to him. And as I think on it now if not Graham who would I want? And I can't supply an answer :)




His Mom and I are now official FB friends which means that it is legit :) Actually she did pop up on the chat and was so sweet and made me feel less nervous about coming to spend 2 weeks with their family. I can't help but already love her a little bit for doing that and saying such sweet things and being so accommodating. I hope to make a good impression I know I am a little bit of a crazy one but hopefully they find it somewhat endearing.

So here is to less than a month and cross your fingers that I get everything in order before I leave. Till next time my peeps.

Falling Is Like This

Well, well, well.

So believe it or not, somehow I ended up in a relationship. Who saw that coming? Ok none of you.. don't lie.

Common ground kid, though I wasn't certain at first, was worth the broken heart and the broken car. It is now constituting my longest relationship ever, and we are going on a month and a half here folks. He is fantastic and the more I spend time with him the fonder I grow of him. So much so that I in fact am going out to Vancouver Island this Christmas to meet his family. And I am pretty sure I am extremely nervous. I have never met anyone's parents before. Well significantly other speaking. And I have 2 weeks to make it or break it with his family. It is like a terrible reality show that FOX would put on for the holidays.

This is the first Christmas that I will spend away from home....not only that it is the first birthday I will spend away from home. To combat all this nervous mumbo jumbo, I am excited. I love the west coast..pretty sure I left a piece of my soul out there in '08. It is this adventure that I can't wait to go on. This whole relationship is just different....in the best way possible. I have never been anywhere close to what I consider normal, but this, this is comfortable. This has warm fuzzy feeling written all over it. This,though movie like at times....is real.

I in fact said I love you for the first time in my entire life to a boyfriend. And despite the initial rocky road this whole thing took, I actually trust him. These may not seem like the most monumental things. But if you know me, is you have heard of the escapades of my life you will realize the legitimacy of this.

So people stay tuned I am in for some sort of adventure!

Chills Run Down My Spine As Our Fingers Entwine

Haha....perma-grin.

Oh peeps it has been a while but...you won't believe it I actually have a less than tragic story to post.

So after the h-core rejection of last post things took a turn for the interesting. It seems that common ground kid wasn't going to fade into that background that easily. In fact as soon as I offered the cold shoulder, the plot took it's twist. Apparently boys want you to not like them. The stops starting getting pulled out. And after a silent longboarding trip, a Lights concert and a Harvey Birdman marathon...things are looking good. I am more then content with his arms around me.

I have this week off of work so I am gonna live the good life, of being a half hobo.There is going to be a lot of sleeping in, caramel apples, shopping, and just all around fantastic times. So let's let the good times roll!

Worn Me Down Like A Road I Did Everything You Told But You Can't Stop Thinking About Her

Well let's catch you all up to speed.

Common ground kid....rejected me h-core. Good times! Raise of hands who saw that one coming? Ok probably everyone but you know me, the gluten for punishment. Of course I wasn't possessing a holiday hidden in my name so I lost. Probably for more than that reason but it still stands as being my fave. Ok the jist of the fiasco was, we held hands. Now you know whenever I do that the universe collapses in on itself...so I needing some validation of authenticity because of my tremendous past asked him if he was legit. He said yes...BUT! he was holding out for other girl. And scene. Really I could have told this story before it played out and had him just insert his name in the blank. Like a crapped up mad lib.

Ok keeping up with appearances with this blog that has nothing to hide. I cracked and emailed Topher. On my way out to Fernie the nostalgia overcame me. That first night I dreamt about him and I woke up and when he wasn't there just started crying. Which is an odd thing for me to do...not usually part of my morning routine. I just emailed him some bands to listen to nothing ridiculous. And now there have been a couple back and forth one sentence emails.

Now what are the odds of this? Today I was driving down scenic heading home to Cardston when this car creeps up beside me. I didn't pay much attention to it until a glimmer of red caught my eye and they honked they're horn. BAM there was Topher. I had no idea what to do with myself. I gave this awkward half smile and wave and he had his window rolled down and some cagey friend in the passenger seat. I didn't roll down my window...really what would I have said? This continued for a good three minutes down scenic drive. Then we were approaching a stop light...he spend through I slowed down and it was over. And the tears came. Because for some reason I cry over this crap. I wish I could cry over normal things.

Well here's to hoping welcome week is fantastic. I look forward to placing my 6th name tag from bishops bbq in my journal. Hooray!

Sad Songs Say So Much

Walk Down Robson
By:Flick

I look down at my feet
And see the scars from walking down Robson Street
With you
The night before
I stood in the middle of that concert floor
With you
I felt so vulnerable and scared
It is something I never vocally shared
With you
You knew though I never said
That night I shared the king sized bed
With you
This is the part of the story I miss
When lips touched in that tragic kiss
With you

With one simple sentence I was on my way home
You were there, but I went alone.
Silence was left, so simple and plain
That’s all that you left me to explain.

It’s been a year but scars reside on my feet
From that beautiful walk down Robson Street.
And I’m still homeward bound in the car.
You’re by my side, but I don’t know where you are.

Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?

Hahaha....ha.

Ok so here's the latest scoops.

Topping our list tonight is my recently found kindred spirit. The boy with which the common ground keeps increasing. Ok, so despite my initial efforts I slipped into the friends zone, and he started sharing information with me about a certain girl that had taken his special interest. Yes I just said special interest. He would tell me about things like dates and camping trips they had planned.Anyways...he came up with me when I went to sing at the art show in Calgary. More for her than me...but at this point I had just taken my seat in the F.Z. So I just supported him in what he was pursuing. At the end of the night it looked like someone had shot a puppy in front of the guy. I went up and asked what was with the sad face. He let me know that said girl was going to like Poland or something for 5 months. I smiled inside (not downstairs Eve's Saint Laurent was not mentioned) but suggested he just enjoy the time he did have with her.

But as I saw him afterward and continued to talk and spend time with him I realized that the want for him to put his arm around me...was the secret in the back of my skull. Yesterday, something happened. He came over to watch Old Greg.


You tube it if you don't know what that is and are not easily offended. We watched it on my lap top and he sat rather close to me. Not gonna lie felt really good. Then as we transitioned into Flight of the Conchords, I was brave enough to muster a move. It took me hours. Now mind you this is the most mixed signals....whatever I had ever been apart of in my entire life. He was practically in my lap...then he was two feet away the his legs were on top of mine, then he was like on the arm of the couch. I DUNNO, so me being me I am this is what I think and where I stand in all this and rested my head on his shoulder...nothing too intimidating and easy to maneuver out of if not reciprocated.

But he stayed, actually got a bit closer. He ended up at my house till about 2:30am. I was 17 all over again willing to sacrifice sleep to spend time with a boy I liked. But instead of having a computer class at the college the next day (like I did when I was young)...I had a full day of work at a demanding job. HA! Long day....long day.

And now...have I heard a word from him?Nope. Will I? Not expecting to. And I am, though I would never let anyone see it, kinda bummed about it. And just when you think the universe couldn't through you another kidney punch....remember my internet boyfriend from a few posts back?Broke up with girlfriend, now pursuing my roommate. How? What? Ok well cheers to hiding in my room. I am being polite and sociable. Not gonna lie though...sucks to watch.

Dear Universe,

Please cut me some slack.

Love,
Ash

Every Day it Starts Again...You Cannot Say If You're Happy...You Keep Trying to Be...Try Harder...

Last night I felt on top of the world. Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend Kara I was able to sing at this sweet little art show in downtown Calgary last night. I loved every minute of the event. It was at this funky venue called the Art Spot right off of 17th Ave. I played my little 15 minute set and the crowd was wonderful. I was there until midnight enjoying the art and music. I haven't felt that content in awhile.

Tonight I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. I attended what I am deeming the WORST YSA dance I have ever been to. The music was horrendous...they did play Let Me Take you there by the Plain White T's. But one good song doesn't make up for 15 terrible ones. I realized that my potential to find something or someone in this town...the odds aren't good. I realized that attending events such at the first one mentioned leave me feeling elated. While attending the other, the majority of the time, leave me feeling terrible. One extreme to the other in a matter of 24 hours.

And I am not sure why tonight was the night, but I emailed Topher and said goodbye. I was waiting for something dramatic, something epic, something climatic. Why? It just has to happen. I just have to follow through. I again was waiting to this point where I felt on top of the world and could accomplish anything and could write and speak that with absolution that I was strong enough. But I realized that moment may never come. I just had to pick a place to start, and why not now?

I know, it's me and I have caved before. But I have to start somewhere. I want to do this...I have wanted to for a long time. I have had some really sobering experiences lately that have strengthened my resolution to actually go through with this. I think I keep waiting for this big life altering event that is going to change my perspectives. But really I just need to snap out of it. It isn't this big one time thing that I have to do. It's something I am gonna be doing everyday for a long time now. I sound like someone who just quit smoking. In reality, he is my sick habit.

I have potential to be a lot more awesome then I have been letting myself be. This weekend has shown me that. Here's to tonight, a step forward.