Monday, July 27, 2009

Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?


Ok so here's the latest scoops.

Topping our list tonight is my recently found kindred spirit. The boy with which the common ground keeps increasing. Ok, so despite my initial efforts I slipped into the friends zone, and he started sharing information with me about a certain girl that had taken his special interest. Yes I just said special interest. He would tell me about things like dates and camping trips they had planned.Anyways...he came up with me when I went to sing at the art show in Calgary. More for her than me...but at this point I had just taken my seat in the F.Z. So I just supported him in what he was pursuing. At the end of the night it looked like someone had shot a puppy in front of the guy. I went up and asked what was with the sad face. He let me know that said girl was going to like Poland or something for 5 months. I smiled inside (not downstairs Eve's Saint Laurent was not mentioned) but suggested he just enjoy the time he did have with her.

But as I saw him afterward and continued to talk and spend time with him I realized that the want for him to put his arm around me...was the secret in the back of my skull. Yesterday, something happened. He came over to watch Old Greg.

You tube it if you don't know what that is and are not easily offended. We watched it on my lap top and he sat rather close to me. Not gonna lie felt really good. Then as we transitioned into Flight of the Conchords, I was brave enough to muster a move. It took me hours. Now mind you this is the most mixed signals....whatever I had ever been apart of in my entire life. He was practically in my lap...then he was two feet away the his legs were on top of mine, then he was like on the arm of the couch. I DUNNO, so me being me I am this is what I think and where I stand in all this and rested my head on his shoulder...nothing too intimidating and easy to maneuver out of if not reciprocated.

But he stayed, actually got a bit closer. He ended up at my house till about 2:30am. I was 17 all over again willing to sacrifice sleep to spend time with a boy I liked. But instead of having a computer class at the college the next day (like I did when I was young)...I had a full day of work at a demanding job. HA! Long day....long day.

And now...have I heard a word from him?Nope. Will I? Not expecting to. And I am, though I would never let anyone see it, kinda bummed about it. And just when you think the universe couldn't through you another kidney punch....remember my internet boyfriend from a few posts back?Broke up with girlfriend, now pursuing my roommate. How? What? Ok well cheers to hiding in my room. I am being polite and sociable. Not gonna lie to watch.

Dear Universe,

Please cut me some slack.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Every Day it Starts Again...You Cannot Say If You're Happy...You Keep Trying to Be...Try Harder...

Last night I felt on top of the world. Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend Kara I was able to sing at this sweet little art show in downtown Calgary last night. I loved every minute of the event. It was at this funky venue called the Art Spot right off of 17th Ave. I played my little 15 minute set and the crowd was wonderful. I was there until midnight enjoying the art and music. I haven't felt that content in awhile.

Tonight I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. I attended what I am deeming the WORST YSA dance I have ever been to. The music was horrendous...they did play Let Me Take you there by the Plain White T's. But one good song doesn't make up for 15 terrible ones. I realized that my potential to find something or someone in this town...the odds aren't good. I realized that attending events such at the first one mentioned leave me feeling elated. While attending the other, the majority of the time, leave me feeling terrible. One extreme to the other in a matter of 24 hours.

And I am not sure why tonight was the night, but I emailed Topher and said goodbye. I was waiting for something dramatic, something epic, something climatic. Why? It just has to happen. I just have to follow through. I again was waiting to this point where I felt on top of the world and could accomplish anything and could write and speak that with absolution that I was strong enough. But I realized that moment may never come. I just had to pick a place to start, and why not now?

I know, it's me and I have caved before. But I have to start somewhere. I want to do this...I have wanted to for a long time. I have had some really sobering experiences lately that have strengthened my resolution to actually go through with this. I think I keep waiting for this big life altering event that is going to change my perspectives. But really I just need to snap out of it. It isn't this big one time thing that I have to do. It's something I am gonna be doing everyday for a long time now. I sound like someone who just quit smoking. In reality, he is my sick habit.

I have potential to be a lot more awesome then I have been letting myself be. This weekend has shown me that. Here's to tonight, a step forward.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Dark Little Heaven At The Top Of The Stairs

So remember the girl who was overly anxious and couldn't sleep. Well last weekend it happened. It was the first time that I have seen Topher in about 9 months.

Though I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. As soon as he was at the door...I realized that the emotion that took precedence was excitement. I have missed him soo much! We went out for sushi at the Lighthouse just like old times and it was excellent. Our night started as it usually does with ridiculous stories and jokes. Of course no one else thinks we are funny besides the two of us. After dinner we just chilled at Henderson Lake again where the light portion of the evening continued.

Then the switch it always does....we went to Walmart where the conversation and light mood was replaced with the dark cloud of our past. I really thought I could just outrun it, but as we sat down at Earls for dessert...he was making the face. Now Topher makes this face when he wants to tell me something and of course just won't say it. I had no problem laying my chips out. I had prepared for this night. It took a long freakin nine months....but i figured us out. At least my end of the deal. And I was ok with everything. But because he refuses to speak...I probably will never know the whole situation. Again something I have come to terms with.

He handed me the guitar when we came back to my house....and though I didn't know if I had it is me...he asked me to sing...and I sang "Not You". Which is the song that I wrote on the drive home from Vancouver last year. My voice shook through the words...and hardly ever looked up. As I strummed the last chord...I could tell that he didn't really quite know how to process it. But he hugged me, and called me Ashley as he said goodbye.
We spent Sunday afternoon together and there we It is this thing that I have tried to make more than it is...this thing that I have tried to pretend is less....this thing that I have tried to ignore and out run. Yet here we are....and really where is that?